I am For Myself Alone
by SylvaDragon
Summary: One shot about Snape and Dumbledore, their relationship, what they mean to each other. Will Snape betray Dumbledore, whos side is he really on ? Not HBP or DH compliant.


_Author's Notes_

_The idea for this came to me because through books 1-6 and the films I always thought that Snape was neither good or evil, but simply on his own side. I've been thinking about writing my first longer, multi chapter fanfic, set in an AU universe where Harry doesnt arrive at Hogwarts till age 14, no-one knows his true identity and he has major problems, violent, disruptive, angry etc. I have the ending for that fanfic written, it's just the beginning and middle that has me stuck, this scene with Snape was going to possibly be part of that fanfic. But I think it also works as a one-shot. None of my fanfics are HBP or DH compliant, I'm not sure when this fanfic is set. _

_Please review, thanks. _

I Am For Myself Alone

"Dumbledore, you are a fool, you are weak, you trust everyone, believing in everything, trusting in childish notions like love ..." Snapes lips curled as he spat out the word love. "And light, goodness, honour. I am strong because I believe in nothing, trust no-one and ask no-one to trust me. I am for myself alone, is that such a shock for you ?"

Snape stared at Dumbledore with contempt and loathing, how Dumbledore disgusted him, infuriated him. Look at him now, weak and saddened, pathetic, Snape sneered inwardly, pathetic. He was better off serving Voldemort ...at least for the time being.

"I do not believe you" Dumbledore spoke the words quietly, almost gently. "Severus, do not do this. Do not turn back to darkness now after so long."

"Do you still not understand ? Are you so blinded by your determination to trust me ? Snape spat, "I serve neither light nor dark, my loyalty is not to you, nor to Voldemort. My loyalty is for myself and what serves my interests best. I care nothing for good or evil, for wars or causes, I follow the one who gives me most power, most profit."

"So, Severus, you would turn away from me now, when I need you most ?" Dumbledore's voice was full of disappointment.

Snape saw how the customary twinkle was dull, saw the lines of sorrow etched in the face of the man he'd served for 16 years. Saw how this man looked suddenly weak and tired and old, so very old. He felt a stab of some unfamilliar emotion deep inside him - angrily pushed it back down. Now was not the time for weaknesses such as compassion or loyalty. Dumbledore was weak, the forces of light in disarray. Voldemort was sure to win, and Snape wanted to make sure he was on the winning side at the end of it all.

"Your needs do not come into it, old man" Severus sneered, closing barriers around his mind just in case the old fool tried legimany on him. "Your time is over, your battle lost. I do not intend to be on the loosing side. I intend to rejoin the dark lord, he is the future, serving him will serve my needs well. It would be weakness to stay."

"Oh Severus" The simple words, softly spoken, held a world of sadness, as Dumbledore sat with bowed head.

Snape turned away, contempt and disgust on his face. Why didn't Dumbledore try to stop him ? Was he such a trusting fool that he still believed in Snape ? Trust and foolishness, this was what made Dumbledore so weak, how could Voldemort ever be defeated by the power of love, what nonsense. The side of light could never win with this attitude, his choice to leave was right.

'Then why does it feel so wrong ?' A voice whispered in his mind, 'Dumbledore has loved you like a son, trusted you and defended you all these years - Voldemort would not do that.'

'Be quiet !' Snape told the voice in his mind. 'Sentiment is for the weak, I don't need such weakness.' Angrily he tried to batter his feelings into submission, he wasn't going to surrender to them again. All these years for love of Lily, he wouldn't stay now for love of Dumbledore. Severus Snape was loyal to no-one, needed no-one, he was for himself alone.

Normally Severus found strength in telling himself this, but now it seemed like a trap. Despite himself he cared for Dumbledore. He hated to admit it, but it was true. Somehow, just as Lily had done, Albus had touched his cold heart. Hidden deep inside Severus was grateful to Albus for all the years of unquestioning support and trust, for the friendship and the love. The old fool drove him mad at times, and he was far too willing to trust, to reach out a hand to anyone who was troubled or in need - but maybe, just maybe, this was Dumbledore's greatest strength.

Hand resting lightly on the doorhandle, Severus sighed. He was a fool, a weak sentimental fool, but he couldn't bring himself to leave. Turning to face Dumbledore he said "I will stay"

He wanted to say "Albus, I've been foolish, I'm sorry, please forgive me." but feared the loss of dignity this might cause him.

Albus Dumbledore smiled and nodded, his blue eyes sparkling as he gazed pierceingly at Severus, seeming to know the words that the younger man was unable to say.

"Thank you Severus, you have my eternal gratitude" was all he said, but it was enough for both of them.


End file.
